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2 Thes 1:4
Deep down inside I wish I didn't have to write about difficult times. There is a part of me that wants to keep the reality of trials in the Kingdom of God a secret. I've asked myself lately why I have such a strong, negative reaction towards difficult times. Is it maybe because I see my fellow Christian friends in other seasons of their faith walk and I feel bad for having to yet again go through a harsh, snowy winter? Is it maybe because my hope and faith get tested and it's sometimes difficult to explain why I'm not particularly excited at the moment? Maybe I feel embarrassed for being honest about my life, the ups and downs - the victories and the challenges. The reality is, hard-pressed Christians are sometimes perceived as misfits in the church - and I don't like being one of them.
Nevertheless, I've come to appreciate testing times in my life. It wasn't like that when I was younger. I couldn't understand how anything could be difficult after giving my life to Jesus, and I was quite irritated with people who went on and on about their problems. I think that's why the first few years of salvation are so special. You are so glad that you are saved that you don't really care about anything else except having a "welcome home" party for as long as it lasts. Needless to say, my first trial after my "honeymoon" salvation period came as a shock. I didn't expect it at all. I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me, that I am not applying the right quick-fix recipe for my problems, that I was forsaken by God and that I've lost my salvation. The Bible didn't make sense to me and I felt I couldn't live up to the care-free standards that were so easily attained when I wasn't going through a tough time. I felt I wasn't good enough for God. It took a long time to formulate a proper theology around difficult times. Even as I'm writing this, I am still so aware of the lack of understanding I have about this topic.
Yet, there are specific principles that have become an anchor in my life. Dear Woman of God, we need to understand the testing seasons in God's Kingdom so that we are not ensnared with feelings of depression, hopelessness or rebellion. I am by no means saying that I've conquered all and that I can be an example of how to go through trials, but my heart is to find God in every season of my life, and to appreciate the lessons I learn, no matter how circumstances or even the Word challenge my beliefs. And circumstances and the Word do challenge my beliefs. Take this scripture for example:
James 1:2-4
Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and fully developed (with no defects), lacking nothing.
Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and fully developed (with no defects), lacking nothing.
This year I had first-hand experience of how hard it is to sometimes apply the Word to your life - especially when you find yourself in the midst of a perfect storm. I went through many difficult things this year - but the final nail in the coffin came after I had a miscarriage. The initial joy of being first-time parents was soon replaced with an overwhelming sense of loss. It felt like a gift from God was taken away from us. Although I struggled most days, I tried to turn to God for guidance throughout the mourning process. The Bible is not always easy to obey, but I felt to view every difficult situation - every aspect of it -as a trial wherein I had to wholly rejoice. Oh my goodness! Let me tell you, it wasn't easy! It's still not easy. But I had to trust that the testing of my faith would produce a godly patience, steadfastness and endurance so that at the end I would lack nothing of significance - no good thing.
Let me repeat: It wasn't easy. Throughout the process however, I could sense God's presence and comfort in my life. There is a loving, intimate side to God that one rarely experience outside of difficult times - and it is a privilege. God's comfort becomes such a strong reality, that time vanishes, and the hastiness and selfish ambitions of life become unimportant. All I wanted to do was to journey with my Helper and Friend through the unravelling of feelings and perceptions. My appetite for worldly things disappeared and soon I started experiencing the goodness of God at a deeper level. In the midst of suffering I could speak to God intimately, be reminded of His Power and Might, and taste and see that He is good no matter my circumstances.
But I won't lie, it wasn't comfortable. I felt pressed on every side, crushed even, with nothing left to give. The promises I trusted God for had to be placed on an altar - a difficult act of worship to master. I was struck down by disappointment but luckily not destroyed. I suffered embarrassment, unable to find a way out - but not driven to despair. Like the Apostle Paul, I became acutely aware of how suffering has put senseless things in my life to death. Yet, at the same time, I could see glimpses of resurrection life come forth from it. The Word of God was tested in my life - just like the Word tried and tested Joseph in jail.
Ps 105:17-18
He sent a man before them, even Joseph, who was sold as a servant. His feet they hurt with fetters; he was laid in chains of iron and his soul entered into the iron, until His Word came true, until the word of the Lord tried and tested him.
There are still many unanswered questions about the experiences I had this year. I do not always know what is right or what is wrong. But I do know this - at the end the Lord has the final say. It doesn't matter how circumstances may change - God's promises remain the same. And it is on God's promises that I choose to build my house when the storms come. He promises in His word that if I cry out to Him, He will deliver me from my distresses, He will hush the storm to a quiet and gentle whisper, so that the waves of the sea are still. He will bring me to my desired haven (Ps 107: 28-30). Therefore I can have courage and go through fire and stormy waters, knowing that God is my Help and Salvation.
My hope in Him will not disappoint.
2 Cor 4:8-18
We are afflicted in every way, but no crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken, struck down, but no destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
