I’m writing about married life this month! Whoop whoop!
It was a long wait. Since I started writing this blog 18
months ago, I never felt led to write about my relationship with George. It’s
funny how easy you become a Dr. Phil to most of your friends when they
experience romantic relationship problems, UNTIL you get MARRIED. Then, for
some unexplainable reason, your advice becomes a big index finger pointing
back at you.
Even though I would love to share my 2 –and- a- half-
year guru advice with everyone, I also know that marriage is a divinely -well
thought-out plan to keep you painfully humble. One day you will feel on top of
the world, finally making sense of this great enigma, the next day you will feel
clueless! So, with the help of my husband (thanks George), I will spare you the
“black and white, right and wrong” marriage advice and only share two stories from
our life together so that you won’t (hopefully….please don’t) make the same
mistakes, or even better….so that you can realise that you are not alone, and
that it is normal to not always know everything.
Small print: Based on
real-life stories…..
Story 1: When things
go up in flames!
Marriage can be chaotic at times - fun but chaotic. Between
the personality differences, dishes, calendars, socials, responsibilities and
life lessons, you can’t always control every situation, and you can never
control your spouse. You have to make peace with that early in your marriage.
Some days, however, you’re still tempted to wish you could, but what’s the fun
in that, right? Men, especially dream of the day when they can control a woman’s
actions and reactions, sometimes because we have to be controlled! One of these moments happened a few weeks ago
It was a Sunday evening and George and I were relaxing at home.
I was busy preparing dinner. Suddenly an ingenious idea entered my mind – let’s
add spinach to the dish! Within a few moments my Master Chef mind went into
overdrive, and I realised that it would be quicker to cook the spinach in the
microwave. So I took a bowl full of spinach leaves, placed it in the microwave
for 3 minutes – and left it to be cooked.
My perceptive husband soon realised
something was wrong when smoke started coming out of the
microwave….”Hmm….Laetitia,” he said with a worried but calm voice, “are you
sure something is not burning?” It was actually a very timely question, because
when I turned around I saw a huge yellow flame dancing behind the microwave
door – The spinach was on fire! LITERALLY ON FIRE!
I hurried to rescue the green leaves, but it was too late.
The fire burned everything away. Luckily the flame disappeared when I opened
the door, but so did the spinach! There was nothing left – only a small brown spot
of burned ashes!
I cremated the leaves!
(A moment of silence please J)
The implications of what has happened left me so shocked I
started laughing uncontrollable and went to sit on the kitchen floor tiles –
almost in tears. I burned the green, young spinach leaves, in the prime of
their lives, when they still had a meal to look forward to…..and I mean burned.
You couldn’t recognise what it was …
But even worse… I almost set our house on fire! I MEAN
SMOKE, FIRE-FIGHTERS, and OXYGEN MASKS ….FIRE! My clever idea literally went up
in flames!
George (from experience) knew that it was not the moment to
judge, but to help and support - a very difficult thing to do, especially when
you almost saw your life flashed before your eyes.
There are many “spinach burning” moments in a
marriage. The ideal is not to put extra pressure on the situation by reacting
emotionally, blaming one another and judging, but to create a calm and peaceful
environment in the midst of chaos. Luckily we had many of these moments to
master this skill.
Like they say….practice makes perfect!
Story 2: From X-mas
to X-factor
When you meet your husband, you suddenly change from a
Cinderella that cleans houses, to a Cinderella wearing glass slippers and a
crown. It is therefore not uncommon, especially for women, to approach life
from a fairy tale perspective. The danger, however, is to expect a fairy tale every
day, for 80 years, without the willingness to invest in your marriage story,
and without the skill to deal with one or two disappointments along the way. The
crowned Cinderella sometimes needs a reality check, and in my case it happened,
when I didn’t plan for it to happen (p.s. an excellent setting for
disappointment to creep up on you J).
It was the 25th of December 2010. We were married
for almost nine months and had many plans for our first Christmas together. The
setting was perfect. It was ice-cold outside, dark and cosy in London city and
we were all alone. I had huge expectations for the festivities of the day! It’s
Christmas after all! That year, however, it was extra special. It was our first
opportunity to build our own family culture, and to invent grand memories to
pass on to our children. So, we spend days choosing the right music, the right
recipes and the right wrapping paper – everything was planned meticulously.
But, when the day finally arrived, one disaster followed
after the other. I woke up sick the morning, after I planned a whole day of
cooking. Determined to make my Christmas
dream come true, I worked in the kitchen without rest. Unfortunately (I blame
the medication for this), when the dish finally appeared on the table, George
took one bite of the amazing “Christmas dinner”, just to spit everything out
again. It was awful! It was so awful, he couldn’t even pretend!
Shocked by his reaction, we both didn’t know how to handle
the situation, so we sat in silence, hungry, trying to find solace by looking
at our small, fake, plastic Christmas tree. Let’s just say – it didn’t help. I
was angry and George was disappointed. The day didn’t turn out as we’ve
planned.
Finally, we decided to open the gifts to lift the mood.
George was so impressed with his gifts– I bought him camp gear, Monopoly and
even a MacGyver knife (brownie points ching ching!). But just when we thought
we’ve redeemed the day, I opened my gift.
I only had one gift
and it was BIG!
When I opened it I smiled. It was a very nice coat…or so I
thought, until I put it on, and realised George didn’t know my size. It was too
big. And there wasn’t a smaller one.
My first Christmas without a proper gift….it was horrible!
Disappointed that George didn’t know my size, that there
wasn’t a smaller coat and that he only bought me one gift, my tear-filled eyes
moved to the plastic Christmas tree again, hoping that I would find solace in
the glittery lights – but yet again, it didn’t help much. Our first Christmas
was awful.
Sometimes it takes time to build a winning culture in your
marriage, and sometimes you will fail miserably, but you should continue
developing your X-factor– it doesn’t matter how long it takes, or how disappointing
some days might be. After all….you’re living the happily ever after part….:)
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love this Tish!! thanks for your honesty in sharing REAL life...it soooo helps to know we are not alone on this adventure in marriage!