Spread the Fragrance

I’m writing about married life this month! Whoop whoop!

It was a long wait. Since I started writing this blog 18 months ago, I never felt led to write about my relationship with George. It’s funny how easy you become a Dr. Phil to most of your friends when they experience romantic relationship problems, UNTIL you get MARRIED. Then, for some unexplainable reason, your advice becomes a big index finger pointing back at you.

Even though I would love to share my 2 –and- a- half- year guru advice with everyone, I also know that marriage is a divinely -well thought-out plan to keep you painfully humble. One day you will feel on top of the world, finally making sense of this great enigma, the next day you will feel clueless! So, with the help of my husband (thanks George), I will spare you the “black and white, right and wrong” marriage advice and only share two stories from our life together so that you won’t (hopefully….please don’t) make the same mistakes, or even better….so that you can realise that you are not alone, and that it is normal to not always know everything.

Small print: Based on real-life stories…..

Story 1: When things go up in flames!

Marriage can be chaotic at times - fun but chaotic. Between the personality differences, dishes, calendars, socials, responsibilities and life lessons, you can’t always control every situation, and you can never control your spouse. You have to make peace with that early in your marriage. Some days, however, you’re still tempted to wish you could, but what’s the fun in that, right? Men, especially dream of the day when they can control a woman’s actions and reactions, sometimes because we have to be controlled! One of these moments happened a few weeks ago 

It was a Sunday evening and George and I were relaxing at home. I was busy preparing dinner. Suddenly an ingenious idea entered my mind – let’s add spinach to the dish! Within a few moments my Master Chef mind went into overdrive, and I realised that it would be quicker to cook the spinach in the microwave. So I took a bowl full of spinach leaves, placed it in the microwave for 3 minutes – and left it to be cooked.

My perceptive husband soon realised something was wrong when smoke started coming out of the microwave….”Hmm….Laetitia,” he said with a worried but calm voice, “are you sure something is not burning?” It was actually a very timely question, because when I turned around I saw a huge yellow flame dancing behind the microwave door – The spinach was on fire! LITERALLY ON FIRE!

I hurried to rescue the green leaves, but it was too late. The fire burned everything away. Luckily the flame disappeared when I opened the door, but so did the spinach! There was nothing left – only a small brown spot of burned ashes!

I cremated the leaves!

(A moment of silence please J)

The implications of what has happened left me so shocked I started laughing uncontrollable and went to sit on the kitchen floor tiles – almost in tears. I burned the green, young spinach leaves, in the prime of their lives, when they still had a meal to look forward to…..and I mean burned. You couldn’t recognise what it was …

But even worse… I almost set our house on fire! I MEAN SMOKE, FIRE-FIGHTERS, and OXYGEN MASKS ….FIRE! My clever idea literally went up in flames!

George (from experience) knew that it was not the moment to judge, but to help and support - a very difficult thing to do, especially when you almost saw your life flashed before your eyes.

There are many “spinach burning” moments in a marriage. The ideal is not to put extra pressure on the situation by reacting emotionally, blaming one another and judging, but to create a calm and peaceful environment in the midst of chaos. Luckily we had many of these moments to master this skill.

Like they say….practice makes perfect!

Story 2: From X-mas to X-factor

When you meet your husband, you suddenly change from a Cinderella that cleans houses, to a Cinderella wearing glass slippers and a crown. It is therefore not uncommon, especially for women, to approach life from a fairy tale perspective. The danger, however, is to expect a fairy tale every day, for 80 years, without the willingness to invest in your marriage story, and without the skill to deal with one or two disappointments along the way. The crowned Cinderella sometimes needs a reality check, and in my case it happened, when I didn’t plan for it to happen (p.s. an excellent setting for disappointment to creep up on you J).

It was the 25th of December 2010. We were married for almost nine months and had many plans for our first Christmas together. The setting was perfect. It was ice-cold outside, dark and cosy in London city and we were all alone. I had huge expectations for the festivities of the day! It’s Christmas after all! That year, however, it was extra special. It was our first opportunity to build our own family culture, and to invent grand memories to pass on to our children. So, we spend days choosing the right music, the right recipes and the right wrapping paper – everything was planned meticulously.

But, when the day finally arrived, one disaster followed after the other. I woke up sick the morning, after I planned a whole day of cooking.  Determined to make my Christmas dream come true, I worked in the kitchen without rest. Unfortunately (I blame the medication for this), when the dish finally appeared on the table, George took one bite of the amazing “Christmas dinner”, just to spit everything out again. It was awful! It was so awful, he couldn’t even pretend!

Shocked by his reaction, we both didn’t know how to handle the situation, so we sat in silence, hungry, trying to find solace by looking at our small, fake, plastic Christmas tree. Let’s just say – it didn’t help. I was angry and George was disappointed. The day didn’t turn out as we’ve planned.

Finally, we decided to open the gifts to lift the mood. George was so impressed with his gifts– I bought him camp gear, Monopoly and even a MacGyver knife (brownie points ching ching!). But just when we thought we’ve redeemed the day, I opened my gift.

 I only had one gift and it was BIG!

When I opened it I smiled. It was a very nice coat…or so I thought, until I put it on, and realised George didn’t know my size. It was too big. And there wasn’t a smaller one.

My first Christmas without a proper gift….it was horrible!

Disappointed that George didn’t know my size, that there wasn’t a smaller coat and that he only bought me one gift, my tear-filled eyes moved to the plastic Christmas tree again, hoping that I would find solace in the glittery lights – but yet again, it didn’t help much. Our first Christmas was awful.

Sometimes it takes time to build a winning culture in your marriage, and sometimes you will fail miserably, but you should continue developing your X-factor– it doesn’t matter how long it takes, or how disappointing some days might be. After all….you’re living the happily ever after part….:)