I didn’t realise how serious the problem was until my doctor recommended a foot specialist. For weeks I pretended as if nothing happened, until I woke up one morning unable to move my big toe.
A knife fell on my foot.
When it happened it didn’t really hurt. Only after I took off my shoe and saw it full of blood did I notice the cut. It wasn’t deep. It wasn’t long. There was no need to be alarmed – or so I thought - until I sat in the specialist’s office and he recommended an operation. The knife severed the tendon to my big toe, and I had to go to the hospital to repair the damage.
The whole situation seemed like a dream. The one moment I was nonchalantly flipping TV channels in a very awkward hospital gown, the next moment I was wheeled to the operating room, surrounded by bright lights, white masks and murmurs.
Reality finally sank in after I tried to take a few steps to the nearby wheelchair with my left leg in an oversized cast. The operation was a success, but I lost my independence. Before (although my tendon was severed) I could still do the basics like walking, driving and bathing – it didn’t even bother me. But after the operation, I had no leg to stand on (pun intended!) I was dependent on two huge, uncomfortable crutches to get me from point A to B, which didn’t really help much. Every time I tried to take a step, it felt like a circus act. Instead of looking like a graceful swan, I looked like a hyperactive kangaroo.
It wasn’t funny.
Seven weeks felt like seven years. And the road to recovery was extremely difficult.
There were many instances during the process where I wanted to rip off the stupid cast in frustration. I was forced to ask for help, and I didn’t like it. It felt foolish. I had to swallow my pride, and continually be on the look-out for a helping hand. There was nothing I could do without the assistance of others.
Strangely enough, the whole experience taught me a valuable spiritual principle. It made me intensely aware of how much I needed God’s grace and unmerited favour in my life. I could literally do nothing in my own strength.
Every so often it feels like I’m wearing an uncomfortable cast in my “up-and-down, hop-hop” spiritual walk. I sometimes find myself on a wild rollercoaster of emotions in the areas where I’m trying to approach things through my own intelligent and logic. At times I wish I could be independent, achieving selfish ambitions by being super cool and gifted, just to realise that I can’t move from point A to B without God’s help. My prideful mind tries to convince me otherwise, but every time God reminds me that I’m completely dependent on Him. I need to take hold of grace and allow it be sufficient in the areas where I feel weak. (2 Cor 12:9)
To be honest, my spiritual eyes aren’t always focussed on God’s grace. And I don’t always want to take hold of it. Sometimes it feels as if I can only take a handful of grace each day, because I am not allowing the flood of God’s unmerited favour to enter my life and take complete control. Self-effort and pride normally replaces the awareness and revelation of God’s grace. His divine enablement, redemption and salvation get lost in the world where I am forced to make decisions, act and take charge in my own strength.
It is much easier to be self-sufficient than to be grace-sufficient.
But the good news is that I no longer have to fight, strive and make things work on my own. God is near and ready to help. No longer do I have to be focussed on my problems, judging myself because of my shortcomings. I can rejoice because I am created to be God’s child and to be the praise and the commendation of His glorious grace, which He freely bestowed upon me (Ef1:6). God has predestined a path of goodness for me! I can look to Jesus– an ever-present help in all the areas where I struggle. My whole heart can trust in His love toward me, and rest in the fact that He is in control, so I no longer have to be. I only have to wait.
Sometimes it only takes willingness and a soft heart to take hold of God’s grace.
May grace (God’s unmerited favour) and spiritual peace (which means peace with God and harmony ) be yours from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. (Ef 1:2)
