I was sitting overlooking the sea, sipping a cup of hot coffee and biting into my first rusk for the morning, when I suddenly felt this strange sense of nostalgia. There was nothing wrong. As far as I could tell everything seemed in place – I had a good marriage, lived in a beautiful house, and more often than not enjoyed a few of life’s luxury moments.  My husband and I were both working hard, pursuing our dreams, and although there were extra responsibilities that we had to get use to – everything seemed fine. 

Yet, I couldn’t shake this feeling of melancholy. As I watched the waves break on the shore, my mind took me back to extraordinary encounters I had with God that dramatically changed my life. I remembered the first time I felt at home with God. Like the prodigal Son I went down many paths, and finally ended up at the revelation of Christ’s love for me. 

I found myself in Him.

The door of self- worth, understanding and clarity that was shut for so many years was unlocked in one moment of truth. I was so overwhelmed by God’s approval and acceptance that I couldn’t imagine a life separated from Him.  There were firework moments – moments that you can’t explain in words.

These happenings confirmed the absolute confidence that God had in me to become what He called me for. God’s declarations of greatness inspired me to live a life worthy of my new identity as a Kingdom citizen. I felt important, celebrated and hopeful for a future of extraordinary miracles, power and adventure.  Church became a vital part of life, connecting with fellow-believers who confirmed the truth of my salvation, and who could support me while I delved deeper into the mystery of Christ.  It wasn’t hard work to feel connected to God or even church – to be honest; I couldn’t imagine my life otherwise.

But something happened. I am sure where or when – but it did.  I became disconnected from God. One would think that it was easy to recognise, but it wasn’t. I was like the older Son, living in the house of the Father, but disconnected from His heart. I am not sure whether it was financial pressure, church structure, relationships, day-to-day responsibilities or the feeling of having to control my life that stole my intimacy with God – but I felt distant from Him.  I sat looking over the sea and realised – I missed God in conversations, I missed God in prayer, I missed God in relationships; I missed God in family. I looked around me and all I could see were people grabbing unto stuff – adventure, false love, selfie-moments and money – everything wrapped in leisure. And it didn’t satisfy.  It was a world shaped by man-made success and emotional turmoil – and it felt and looked empty.

Ironically (although I was in the spiritual state I was in) I could still sit in church Sunday after Sunday and hear great sermons, and walk out and feel lonely.  I could quote scriptures, minister and encourage others and yet, my heart lacked the inspiration to pursue all that God had for me. I wasn’t backslidden; but rather burdened and disheartened. Paul’s words in Gal 5:1 rang so true in my ears: It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by the yoke of slavery.

Nothing in me wanted to stand firm any more. I didn’t know what I was standing for. The things that excited me ten years ago about God seemed ordinary today. Promises that I believed God wanted me to have felt less tangible – less exciting and less desirable.

I felt tired… insipid… enslaved.

Dear Woman of God, maybe you do not relate. Or maybe some of these feelings hit extremely close to home. I know from experience that it’s not always easy to sow in the Spirit, to keep on fanning the flame of passion for the things of God. It is not always comfortable to keep on fighting the good fight in a world of ungodliness, mundane routines and no adventure. Most of the time these things cause  distractions from our heavenly calling.

And we end up trying to find ourselves in a world that is far removed from God.

But, there is good news. Like David in the Psalms one cannot really complain without ending your thoughts with hope. And it's a  hope that won't disappoint. 

We can feel comforted and encouraged because God did start a good work in us. He decided to enter into a covenant with us where He promised to never leave nor forsake us. He gave up everything so that He could be close to us.  And we are still called. Even if the things of God seem as if it is gathering dust in our lives, Jesus is still faithful to use us. The truth is that God loves us. And it’s a love far greater than the world can offer. It is a life far more exciting than what people make it out to be. And it is worth giving up everything and counting all other things as rubbish, even when it is difficult.  Although life can sometimes steal the joy of our salvation, and make us less shiny than we want to be – God’s Word still remains the truth. And God says that we are predestined for good works. He says that it is more valuable to know Christ than to gain all the riches of world.

When our lives seem uneventful or purposeless, we can lift up our eyes and focus on the piece of heaven that God reveals to us each day. When we feel tired of pressing forward by faith, we can ask for help and let God’s grace empower us for greater things. There is nothing that can separate us from His love – no matter how we feel. God still celebrates us; He still likes us; He has great plans for us and He chose us. And as I conclude my thoughts on this topic I am more convinced than ever that:  The only place where I find myself is in the position of total abandonment because…

I am found in Him.

Phil 3: 8-11,14

Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I might gain Christ – and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Him….I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Ps 16:1-6

Keep and protect me, O God, for in You I have found refuge, and in You do I put my trust and hide myself. I say to the Lord, You are my Lord, I have no good beside or beyond you. As for the godly ( the saints) who are in the land, they are the excellent, the noble, and the glorious, in whom all is my delight. Their sorrows shall be multiplied who choose another god; their drink offerings of blood will I not offer nor take their names upon my lips. The Lord is my chosen and assigned portion, my cup. You hold and maintain my lot. The lines have fallen for me on pleasant places; yes, I have a good heritage.